While in education, my blog posts are few and far between. I've always struggled with separating my time; working a 9am-5pm job allows strict structure, but homework, coursework and revision could be performed at any time. As a perfectionist and predicted high achiever, I was overwhelmed at GCSE - while seeing other people make revision cards and mind-maps, all I could do was worry and lose sleep over my lack of preparation. Although I did well in my year 11 exams, my mental health was shattered and my confidence at rock bottom. Where school had once been something I was naturally good at, I now struggled to complete even just one worksheet.
At the time, I blamed this on my depression and anxiety, not realising there may have been something else impacting my productivity. Fast forward from 16 to 21 years of age, and I'm in my second year of university (after disappointing myself with my A-level grades and having to resit my university's first year exams). Covid-19 had made me an even worse student. I think it was during my first term of second year, that a friend sent me a Tik Tok talking about inattentive ADHD in women and finally, something clicked.
All the times I had misplaced keys, money, earphones just as I'm about to leave the house, or my hairbrush somehow vanishing even though it was just in my hand. How I can avoid 5 minute tasks for weeks on end, leave homework until it's overdue but write a brief 3,500 word blog post on theories surrounding a TV show I enjoy. It explains why I was able to write a short story overnight for a house competition at school, but not revise for my school examinations. Why I was able to work efficiently after school when everybody had left, but not able to focus well in lessons. It gives reason to why my bedroom and desk seem to always be in some kind of chaos. Why I struggled with basic decision making, such as what to have for lunch, or having my therapist asking me to complete a questionnaire after our phone-call but having forgot by the time we've hung up.
There's a diagnosis for that.
I scheduled an appointment with my GP to see if I could get a diagnosis, and they referred me on to a local team who are qualified to assess me. It's been a tedious process, as to be diagnosed with inattentive ADHD (also known as ADD - attention deficit disorder), you have to eliminate other potential causes. I started with my psychiatrist in November 2020, was prescribed medication for ADD in January 2021, and have been having medication dosage changes since. To be totally transparent, we're investigating whether I may have EUPD (emotionally unstable personality disorder) and/or ADD, as there are many similarities between the two. The main difference is how the disorder is treated; ADD responds to medication and therapy, whereas personality disorders don't necessarily respond to medications, so require therapy (just to add onto this, I'm not a medical or psychiatric professional, so please take my very simplified version of what I've been told with a pinch of salt).
The whole process has been frustrating. A couple of years ago, my mum pushed for me to have a psychiatric assessment, as she thought I may be experiencing something more than just anxiety and depression, but it was never followed up by our GP. To only have been told of inattentive ADHD after I've left school, after I lost confidence in myself over my GCSE and A-level period. For so many girls to have gone undiagnosed because the hyperactive, unmasked type of ADHD is more common in boys; to have so many women be diagnosed in adulthood because suddenly, life is simply too much to handle. My frustration and my heart aching because of the lack of support and accessibility that is provided in the education sector - let alone the rest of the world.
In my first year of university, my department didn't record lectures, meaning you had to rely on somebody else's notes if you didn't attend. This is unfair to students who are sick, disabled, or have other commitments outside of their education; whether this is being a caregiver, having a job (to fund living at university), etc. It was only due to Covid-19, when everybody was at risk, that they moved online... within a couple of weeks.
This is what is most frustrating, that people of authority have the capacity to make the world more accessible, but choose not to.
As has been the case for my latest years in education, I'm entering exam season unprepared, extremely anxious and full of self-doubt. This academic year has been a shit-show; I've missed most weekly submissions, handed in late courseworks and haven't even started notes for some of my modules. I hate exams, but I'm hoping with all my might that my tiny, little brain will hyper-focus the hell up, gift me a pass and bring me one step closer to having a whole maths degree.
May this exam season treat you well and may you achieve the results you dream of <3
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