Thursday the 16th of August, 2018 - a day I had been looking towards for the last two years. It brought a week of anxiety and anticipation leading up to it, sleeplessness, restlessness and emotions running high. I wanted to get AAC, I needed to get ABB and I ended up with ABD.
I initially started this blog to document how mental illness may impact my future, whether the grades I achieved last year would stop me from getting offers from the top unis. I applied to Birmingham, Bristol, Nottingham, Royal Holloway and Surrey, all of them eventually giving me an offer. I won't say my firm and insurance for privacy reasons, but I didn't manage to meet my firm conditions due to my results.
Technically, I didn't meet my insurance offer either, but they still gave me a place. I was extremely lucky not to have to enter clearing, but I still called the clearance number for my firm uni to ensure there was no possibility of regaining my place... It was a no.
The day was intense. I woke up around 7am, with an email from my firm university telling me I didn't meet the conditions. My school opened at 8am along with UCAS Track, so I had time to both freak out and calm myself down before collecting my results. Track opened a little early (it usually does), so I checked it before I left. It told me I had a place at my insurance university - to note, my firm conditions were ABB and my insurance conditions were ABC, so I thought I had just missed a grade.
Unfortunately, not quite.
As I previously announced, I achieved ABD, which wasn't what I was hoping for. Of course, success is relative and those grades may be incredible or abysmal to you - both opinions fine, but keep in mind these are my grades for my life. I was disappointed, and wasn't sure what the best next step would be. Is it too much hassle to resit? Do I really want to go to my insurance? Should I reapply through UCAS? Is there any point having my exams remarked?
With all these questions pounding in my brain, I decided the best course of action would be to sleep on it, so I took a nap.
Post-nap, I was far calmer and reassured within myself. I was intending to defer a year anyway, and resitting some modules would help maintain my maths skills for university next year. My insurance is an incredible place, I wouldn't have placed it within my choices if I wasn't happy to go there. Sure, I could reapply, but I'd end up putting down the same choices for the same reasons and sometimes, fate has its hand in these things.
Even though I didn't quite achieve the grades I wanted, I'm proud of myself for completing A levels even through every breakdown, every loss of faith, every failure. A levels are tough, but feel impossible when you're ill too. I made it.
All the love and luck and light x
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