The past couple of years have been quite the journey.

From around year 11, when approaching my GCSEs, my mental health started to decline quite severely. Towards the end of 2016, I was suicidal, depressed and anxious, to a degree where it disabled me in everyday life. The next two years of A-levels were viciously difficult, but I survived and made it into university nonetheless. I chose to take a gap year to take care of my brain, my mental health and wellbeing, and it was the best decision of my life.

My first month of 2019 has left me feeling strong, independent and encouraged. More importantly, I don’t recognise myself as disabled anymore.

During some of the lowest days, I used to struggle to move, let alone get out of bed. Of course, I still have bad days, but they are few and far between, and I rarely stay cooped up in my room for more than a few hours at a time (unless I’m napping). Since taking the time to get better, my relationship with my family has improved immensely, I no longer feel like a burden to them and thus find it much easier to talk about any problems I may have.

Having a part-time job has really boosted my confidence around new experiences and people. I’m quite a shy person and when combined with anxiousness, I’d rarely talk in an unfamiliar scenario – however, with guidance, practise and a brilliant team of co-workers to support me, I’ve overcome hurdles I wouldn’t have even considered jumping just a couple of years ago.

I joined a gym as something to fill a void of spare time, improve my lifestyle and also for the perks of narcissistic pictures. I’ve been going perhaps four or five times a month where I can, and already I feel so much stronger, healthier and have grown a genuine love for my body and all it can do. Rather than the impending doom of wanting to hurt and destroy myself, the tears have been replaced by sweat, the self-harm replaced by cardio and weights (although cross country is still something only the mad would do), and the ache of sadness replaced by the ache of endorphins and sore (but super hench) muscles. I’m not saying, “Hey, exercise cures depression!!” but it’s a far better coping mechanism than those I used years ago.

Am I cured?

Unfortunately, obviously, I am not.

However, my days are filled with sunshine and I am more myself than I have been in what feels like a very long time. I know, looking back, I will miss this year and the enlightenment it gave me, so I am trying hard to cherish every wonderful moment that passes. I do sometimes wonder if I am too happy, if I will be hit with another low at any second, but I’ve been cautious of this menacing low for months now, so I think it’s safe to say that honestly, I’m just having a really great time right now, and I am well and truly HAPPY!!!

I am hoping to resit some of my maths and further maths modules in the summer, so we’ll see how deadlines, revision and examinations act on my brain. I’d like to think that having a calm, functioning mind will improve my grades, but without the everyday timetable of school, I’m not sure how efficient my revision will be – nevertheless, it’ll be good practise for independent learning at university.

January has brought me some wonderful opportunities, and I’ve tried to grab each one as it has come. Here’s a little list of things I’m proud of this month, no matter how tiny, it’s significant to me in some way:

· Gathered the courage to walk over and make small talk with somebody I knew, but not very well, while I waited (otherwise on my own) for my bus – to which the person responded effectively and we had a nice little conversation before I headed off

· Visited friends, both planned and spontaneously

· Double booked a wedding and concert and made both!!!

· Made SICK small talk with my family and extended family which would’ve been a struggle in previous years

· Replying to people online within a respectable amount of time

· Issuing sincere apologies when they’re needed (hey, we all fuck up – it’s about learning to do the right thing and becoming lovely people)

· Travelling to Lincoln, on my OWN!!! Not dying and coming home again all on time, even though my coach was to leave at 07:05 in the morning

· Making it onto the ‘Celebrate Success’ board at work, hitting every category

It’s been a long time coming, but I am alive, and I am happy.